I struggle with the idea of vacations. Always have. The last time I took a legitimate travel for pleasure vacation was when I was 15 years old. Obviously, it shows by my pasty exterior.
It's not that I'm diametrically opposed to the idea of relaxation, I suppose that it had more to do with the fact I've always had a hard time... slowing down, taking a look at the bigger picture.
Not that "vacations" as a kid were really vacations. They ended up being rehab trips for my ailing parents. Unless we were staying with cousins in South Carolina, which was the closest thing we ever truly had to a vacation. With that said, perhaps my definition of vacation is not aligned with what "normies" (I totally used "normies" in a sentence!) would consider a vacation.
I think there's more to it than that though. Because I have had opportunities come and go over the years and I have ALWAYS declined. Regardless of whether my circumstances would have allowed such an expense. Sure, I have been the participant of many short-term mission trips (which served as pseudo-vacations at times), but the "pure" get-away vacation? Always. Without fail. Have declined.
Maybe it speaks to a condition within within my soul. A condition that starts with some anxiety, followed by a pull away from any vacation-oriented idea. I suppose some of it stems from a need need to always be in motion, yolked evenly with a desire to serve others over myself and to do a greater work here on earth. Now granted, this altruism is not borne of myself. It comes from my creator and my savior.
With my current job I have plenty of opportunities for impending vacations. More than at any point in my life. Prior to 25, I really wasn't in a life....or financial position....to take vacations. I was building up all kinds of vacation time at KKI, but all of that became a payout once I got to Loyola. So while plans were indeed in the works prior to my departure... They never manifested.
Maybe my struggle with vacation, and the idea of it, isn't some malevolence I have to vacations. Because I certainly don't have a problem with anyone who takes them.
While I have come so far in life, my soul still feels a little bit... behind. I still envision myself as a 16 year old without two nickels to rub together. I still envision myself as that kid sitting in the backseat of a beat-up station wagon, working at 3:00 a.m. delivering papers so mom and dad could afford food. Still remember Mom's friends from church donating clothes for me so that I would have stuff to wear to school. Those are the lasting memories that my soul still draws from. So even with the good job, the career, the independence all in place...I still default sometimes to that other place. Where my soul resided before. I think intrinsically, no matter how many professional or career successes I come upon..... Ultimately...
I still see myself as a kid from the other side of the tracks.
I vowed twice that I would never take vacations.
The irony is, if you asked me if I would be willing to talk a week of and spend some time in prayer and communion with God, I wouldn't hesitate. So maybe it has everything to do with how I look at the word vacation... and not so much to with the manifestation of the activity. I don't have to lack purpose and commitment just because I go on vacation. Those two things are not mutually exclusive.
So perhaps the point of all this is not confuse apathy with time away from a job. It's time away, used to purposefully honor God.
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